DOOR #1, DOOR #2, or DOOR #3
DOOR #1, DOOR #2, or DOOR #3
LAZARUS
    Damacles, the sword over your head is shared by all mankind.  The mercy is spread among us by the grace of naitivity.  Granted thru love we walk thru, stumbling along lifes' path with our eyes wide shut!  Bumping into the randomness of our daily, yearly, and the total of our life experiences, strung together like pearls on a string.  The sword still dangles above each and everyone of us waiting for the unpredictable and unknown time when that final weak thread seperating us from this life and the next will sever.  Should anyone of us know when that time would come, we would be doomed to live each moment of our life under the  oppression of that fatal last second yet to come.
    Damacles is cursed to have his attention forever diverted from living his life.  He can never benefit from the fruit of joy of living unfettered.  His curse prevents his freedom of choice. Every moment of his existence is faulted by his fear of when the sword will fall ending his life and his torture.  Yet he struggles to survive knowing that death would end his torment.  His every endeavor influenced by the constant oppression of the sword dangling periously overhead.  Always in sight, always in mind, always always always there!  Survival reigning supreme and guiding his desperation.

     Isn't it odd, that one can suddenly notice things around them during a time of crisis?  Here I am living between a heartbeat in time, thinking about Damacles.  Analyzing and comparing his extence, my own, and the relatioship to humanity as a whole.  why is that? Is this what seeing your life flash before your eyes just before death is like? Seeing your total existence in a philosophical black and white?
    Isn't this an ironic juxtaposition?  Why now take the time to finalize and gain understanding of your existence.  It was odd, that in this moment, this clocktick of time that these thoughts were flooding my conscienceness.  Judgement and destruction were imminent and I was existing inbetween time, inbetween the ticks of the clock.   Perhaps in a way my life was flashing before my eyes even though I was dead.  I did begin to think of things that were long forgotton.  Amazing how memories do flood your existence.  It wasn't like relieving your entire lfe, but it, in my case were the high and low points experienced on the path.  I remembered things I lived through and the actions taken.  Analyzing those moments from numerous aspects.  How cold things have been different or improved.  What if other choices were made, how would the outcome be affected?  There was no sound at this time, there was once again a nothingness, or rather an absence of sound and consciencess of things around me.  My life was hanging in the balance and for the first time ever, I suddenly felt alive in the face of oblivion.
What is this thing, Free choice?  It isn't freedom, freedom from opression, happiness, but the freedom to make a choice of your own.  There are no rule or play books that guarantee a thing about life other than you have the ability to make a choice based on where, what, and when you are in life.  Parents influence you and care for you and their values are sared with you.  Siblings, relatives, friends, acquantances, and all the others are there influencing you.  It takes so many forms from insidiously subtle to outright brute force.  The choices may be pleasant or devastating, We have the freedom to make that choice.  The only one to answer and face the true consequence of our choices is ourselfs.  But no matter what is in your life, what you are experiencing you have the freedom to make a choice. That choice determines any one of the multitudes of life directions you may or may not travel.  As per the Robert Frost poem,  the road chosen and "the road not taken". Either choice, fills us with the questions of what might be. Both roads are unknown, only one will reveal something about itself but not everything.  Ultimately whatever the choices made, no matter where we end up, was where I now found myself, at yet another crossroad.  This time was different in that I no longer had a freedom of choice.  It was because of my choices, made with my freedom, that I now was at this point in time where past choices made, now  determined and judged my "future".  Fear had not left me.  Fear was still at unattained levels, but for the first time I had a clarity of thought which engulfed me, coincided with all other emotions in play.
Another peculiar sense was in play.  This sense had existed all along but my eyes and feelings had always been shut to it.  An ability  to "SEE".   There are all manner of references to seeing with a clarity of vision, thought, understanding.  They all pale to this quality of seeing.  All of the afore mentioned and more.  A clarity of BEING!  A bonafide card carrying member of totality of participation on every possible existence. 
The sentence was not pending, judgement was coming, had been issued, had passed, and was yet to come.  All was.  Elation overwhelmed my being and elevated me. The devastation was boundless and destroyed me. All that was hidden was known. I waited for the judgement to come which had passed.  Paradoxed was vested to vex all understanding and at this last flickering moment of being, all revealed itself.
My failure in life was my own path to defeat.  Your failure is your path to defeat.  My failure was revealed to all, known to all, and it is OUR defeat.  Your failure is OUR downfall.  Our Sins combine our failure and we all share the failure and defeat together.  By knowng my sin, you know your own.  I now know your sin, and it is mine.  We share in the embarassment and failure together and the doomed judgement is ours together.  We are not alone, our fates are sealed and shared. 
There is an acceptance that fell on me when I died.  Acceptance not being defeat or surrender, merely an acknolwedgemet of what is.  Understanding of  the inevitable.   There comes that time when the struggle ends and one awaits the judges final decision.   I'm an ice skater who has finished the routine.   The roses, flowers, and animals have all been plucked from the ice, the music has stopped, and I awaited the final score from the sideline bench.   I sense this difference.  I'm alone on the shoulder ice contestants station,  while I have clear memories of the performer with their coach waiting along side them.  Their arm around their shoulder, a pat on the back, and a few words of encouragement.   It was a good routine and a fine performance despite the falls and stumbles suffered during my life on the ice.   How will it affect the results and final standings.  Who will have a song in their heart and who will be forgotton forever?   I know how we performed.  There was only one skater who was flawless.  One skater captured the heart of the crowd and swayed to the power and glory of the music.  Such a powerful presence on the ice who we all attempted to emulate in all things, but fall short.   Attempted and failed, we knew we failed,already knew the judges decision for best performance.   So it is in life and now faces us in death for this judgement.   This is a short analogy of all our lifes, where we stumble when tripped up, but the important difference is whether we have the conviction,strength, drive, and belief that it is necessary and paramont to pick ourselfs up and try again.   Sure our final judges score will be lower, but we won't be out of the running! 
    This new clarity of vision  revealed  that I was not alone.  How odd that I was alone  when all along I had not been.  The phrase "seeing without seeing" fits here.  Anxiety and fear filled me yet hope welled eternal in my heart.   I am prostrate before the power where time is a singularity.   It appears linear for our comprehension and opportunity.  Time present, time future, time past exists for our understanding and allows the human understanding  of self, yet that sought afrter elusive grasp only is attained at this moment.  Linearity of time also allows accessibility to freedom of choice.  
   The TV game show " Let's make a deal" is very much a capsulated view of my life.  At the end of the game we have a choice.  Keep what we have, or make a decision between door number one, door number two, or door number three. Monty Hall played the Devil's advocate and whipped up the frenzied audience and excited contestant.  Monty made suggestions, the crowd shouted advice, lady assistants would bring in boxes while Monty added to the choices and possible opportunity.  The crowd went wild with anticipation and the Devil's advocated talked faster and offered excitement and the choices of wealth.  Flashing lights, creshendode music, Audience noise, the doors, the packages, sometimes guaranteed cash all tempted while one thing remained constant.  To get to this position the contestant had to already have a known prize,  They were presented all of the choices with the caveat, Keep your prize or surrender what you have for one of the choices given by Monty Hall, the Devil's advocate.  Who knows what is behind the doors.  It has been a loser gift like a box of dirt to a fabulous New Car.   What the contestant has is the freedom to choose .  Keep their prize, choose one of the doors or boxes, or pocket with an unknown amount of cash in it.  The final moment  arrives when the contestant has to make their choice at the end of the show.  They make their choice which is final.  The moment of truth arrives and the results are final.
  We are all contestants in life and we have all been given the Freedom of choice,  We've been tempted by the Devil's advocates, confused by the music, lights, advice and roar from the crowds.  We know what we have and at the last moment in life, the opportunities presented and our choice is made.  It's final as our life flickers away and ends.
     Freedom of choice has brought me  here, this now, this point of singularity.  I made my choice and now, the result, the judgement is rendered.