I am totally lost.  Alone.  How can dismal failure and absolute cursedness be explained?  Is it possibly that agony can be suffered without pain and yet still cause a person to acutely suffer?  Why can so many successes succomb in the end to abysmal and abrupt failure? Why does success end in failure and distress?  How can anyone hide from the light of truth and discovery? Why does anyone continue with any foray, adventure, a continuation of their goals when deep down inside of any one of us we know that our deepest secrets will be discovered and exposed? No matter what ! Why does and how can shame attack in relentless waves of guilt and excrutiating shame for eternity?  Is there no release from this torment??    No matter how hard I tried in life, I failed to pass the judgement" and I felt it, I knew it somehow !?!  Every one of us has felt this and for some unexplained reason we knew that we would be caught with the proverbial,  " hands in the cookie jar"-NO MATTER WHAT.   I am wondering deeply now, why I did the things I did in my life. Why I didn't do the things when an opportunity presented itself.  Held back by fear. Held back by apathy. Held back by selfish interests.  All of us have come to this impass.  Deep inside there is the devil and the angel that sits as conscience on our shoulders and causes us to question  every action, yes, absolutely every decision that we make. We all feel this one way or another.  Some call it a conscience.   Why do we choose what we do when the choice is presented to us?  WHY?  Some of invariable think of ourselfs first instead of others when we act.  We may think that we are selfless, but the end results are often not what we expect.  Somehow we might empathize that we actually have gotton away with "something" and dismissed it to the abyss of time and a forgetful memory.  Yes, you and I have done many kinds acts, and please - please - please don't stop.  But what about most of our actions.  Who among us has sat down and taken the time to dissect the totality of our actions over a period of time and assest the time devoted to and the sacrifice for humanity?  How much is actually self centered and how much do we set aside for selflesness acts?  I profess that my crutch was I didn't have time or resources for others. I have my own needs.  "I" have a family to care for. I don't have time to take care of those who don't care enough about themselfs or their families to put forth the effort.  There are responsibilities that call and as a responsible person I have to answer the call.  I am busy!  Life has burdened me with so many other responsibilities and tasks that I don't have the time t bother with rabble cause I'm just to busy!  Yes, that's the reason,  I am just too busy and I don't have time. I'm tired, I have responsibilities, I'm late for something.  I don't have tie to be bothered with distractions that take away from my family, that take away from me and my time.    Why and what dictates our actions where we mostly cater to ourself? 
   Deep down we know why.  We fail to acknowledge it so we have an excuse, a direction to point the figure so shame doesn't rest on our shoulders. There are non-profit organizations and churches and mother teresa's that can take the time and do a better job.  There is always the salvation army and some government program that will and can do the job.  We know better.    Everything we do or don't do is our decision and the consequences belong to only us. The Governments  really don't do the work of God and care for people.  Think about that.   The blame or the glory rests in our actions. Deep down we know this, accept this, but try to protect ourselfs from this irrefutable knowledge by throwing forth the "but, if, perhaps" arguments.  There are other finger pointing venues, but we all know them.  I profess niativity to buffer myself from responsibility. 
  There is something that talks to us.  Something that says, "Pat you know this is wrong and you will be punished for doing the wrong thing". Or " Pat this is the right thing to do.  Not only do you know this is the right thing to do, but your conscience will be clear and you will never again be tormented by having made the wrong choice.  You will in fact be blessed with the memory of having done the right thing and bask in the glory of having done the right thing".   Am I wrong?? No, I have spoken with too many who have related these feelings to me to accepted anything less.  I know that deep down there is not one of us who has not been giving the knowledge of right and wrong.  Those of us who can reason.  On the other hand, time and distance cause a healing forgetfulness, to those of us who are mortal and must face death and judgement.  If I ignore something long enough, it will go away forever.  It will not longer be a problem because I have hidden it in a deep recessed corner so longer that it is forgotton, no longer a problem causing conscience concern.  Blessed forgetfulness.
  What I feared most was happening.  I was connected to the knowledge of knowing.  I was connected to the power of knowing.  I was permitted to share the briteness of knowledge and the ability to look into the shadows of that which I wanted to remain hidden and forgotton. Can you grasp the shock of revelation?  Cold water slapped acrossed warm checks!  I was being confronted with who and what I am, the totality of myself and my actions.  I am embarrassed and sorry to confess here, on this website/book, that in spite of everything good I have every done, tried to do, shared, attempted, accomplished, absolutely everything, I was infinitely without measure shamed and humbled in the presence of this absolute power of intimate revelation and truth. This absolute infinite penetrating  revealing lite.  I failed despite my best attempts to be good and do good.  It is of little, no it is of absolutly no condolence that no one else had fortuned better than I. It is of no consequence that everyone else who ever was, also had darkness and embarassment hidden within themselfs.  I failed!  Me, Pat had not made the grade despite my best efforts.  Now I was exposed for failing to conquer the darkness of myself. Deal with it?  Sorry to say, it is not possible for anyone of us to "deal with it" under these circumstances.  It is not possible to do when you have been confronted with falling short despite your best concentrated efforts. 
   I hope that I have successfully helped you envision what this penetrating all powerful lite was showing me and how I was feeling.  This dissection of self, this totality of judgement, this onslaught of overwhelming uncontrollable emotions is something that I had never before experienced and I am finding it virtually impossible to find adequte words to properly share the waves of overpowering uncontrollable emotions which swept over me.  No, there is no experience I have ever had, or have even discovered in the records of history to compare.  Nothing at all!  
    With my revelation of these "tsunami waves of exposure" I am hoping that my readers grasp the uncomprehensible experience the exposure to this lite brings.  Nothing human can comprehend it in this lifetime. How can I describe something which does not exist in our plain of existence?
    Now you all know my shame and inability to adequately describe or explain well.  The best that I or anyone else can do is to ask for forgiveness of being, and in return grant the same.
   It is at this point I left to explain this judgement and now it is here that I return to the feeling of being lost.  Yes,  I was given the knowledge that I was lost because I had not found it within myself to conquer and be successful.   Success you ask.  Success to put all humanity above myself for all purposes and intent.  Success to conquer the little seducers that suck away at us all.  Success to never waver in intent and action to do good and to actually accomplish it without self reward or satisfaction.  The success to conquer Pride. The ability to transcend sin itself and rise above the frailty of humanity.   I could go on with this diatribe of success but we all understand this.  So here I am in utter dispair waiting for my condemnation to be announced. Waiting for the words that sentence me to a continuity of lifetimes, unfathomed deepth, limitless breath of repetition without end,  condemend to an eternity of hell, whatever that might be. WOW, How can one express the breathed of eternity? Time without a beginning or end which is the ultimate solution which we must be made a part of?  The ultimate fear of an unknowing condemnation to hell.  The realization of this now coming to pass?  Happening now to me, without further delay.  I did not want this or ask for it, but that is the position where I now found myself to be.   NUTS !  How do you feel or how can one handle this predicament?  I know that it was beyond me and I was floating in helplessness in a predicament that was beyond my controll.
   Here is the picture of the situation.  I am infront of this infinite-lite power that throbs with its infinite power, flat on my face in tears and terror without the strength or power to perform any act or movement despite my greatest attempt.  Not a pretty site or situation for anyone.  I know I am in a bad way and am totally at the mercy of this powers decision.  I am waiting for the axe to fall.  In my heart I am waiting for that miracle, I am hoping beyond hope that somehow the calvery will come to the rescue like the old Gene Autry and Roy Roger cowboy movies.  The anguish destroys me! The revelation of sins, that my darkest secret sins have destroyed me.  I had not conquered them and was a partner in their seductions for condemnation.
  Please do not let it be paintful.  Oh God forgive me!  Please please please forgive me.  I'm so sorry.  I ache with apology. Please please please please don't let this happen! 
  Please forgive me for all that I failed and sinned.  Please forgive me for falling short.
Please!   Forgive me ! 


JUDGEMENT
" a life after death story told" .
I am totally lost.  Alone.  How can dismal failure and absolute cursedness be explained?  Is it possibly that agony can be suffered without pain and yet still cause a person to acutely suffer?  Why can so many successes succomb in the end to abysmal and abrupt failure? Why does success end in failure and distress?  How can anyone hide from the light of truth and discovery? Why does anyone continue with any foray, adventure, a continuation of their goals when deep down inside of any one of us we know that our deepest secrets will be discovered and exposed? No matter what ! Why does and how can shame attack in relentless waves of guilt and excrutiating shame for eternity?  Is there no release from this torment??    No matter how hard I tried in life, I failed to pass the judgement" and I felt it, I knew it somehow !?!  Every one of us has felt this and for some unexplained reason we knew that we would be caught with the proverbial,  " hands in the cookie jar"-NO MATTER WHAT.   I am wondering deeply now, why I did the things I did in my life. Why I didn't do the things when an opportunity presented itself.  Held back by fear. Held back by apathy. Held back by selfish interests.  All of us have come to this impass.  Deep inside there is the devil and the angel that sits as conscience on our shoulders and causes us to question  every action, yes, absolutely every decision that we make. We all feel this one way or another.  Some call it a conscience.   Why do we choose what we do when the choice is presented to us?  WHY?  Some of invariable think of ourselfs first instead of others when we act.  We may think that we are selfless, but the end results are often not what we expect.  Somehow we might empathize that we actually have gotton away with "something" and dismissed it to the abyss of time and a forgetful memory.  Yes, you and I have done many kinds acts, and please - please - please don't stop.  But what about most of our actions.  Who among us has sat down and taken the time to dissect the totality of our actions over a period of time and assest the time devoted to and the sacrifice for humanity?  How much is actually self centered and how much do we set aside for selflesness acts?  I profess that my crutch was I didn't have time or resources for others. I have my own needs.  "I" have a family to care for. I don't have time to take care of those who don't care enough about themselfs or their families to put forth the effort.  There are responsibilities that call and as a responsible person I have to answer the call.  I am busy!  Life has burdened me with so many other responsibilities and tasks that I don't have the time t bother with rabble cause I'm just to busy!  Yes, that's the reason,  I am just too busy and I don't have time. I'm tired, I have responsibilities, I'm late for something.  I don't have tie to be bothered with distractions that take away from my family, that take away from me and my time.    Why and what dictates our actions where we mostly cater to ourself? 
   Deep down we know why.  We fail to acknowledge it so we have an excuse, a direction to point the figure so shame doesn't rest on our shoulders. There are non-profit organizations and churches and mother teresa's that can take the time and do a better job.  There is always the salvation army and some government program that will and can do the job.  We know better.    Everything we do or don't do is our decision and the consequences belong to only us. The Governments  really don't do the work of God and care for people.  Think about that.   The blame or the glory rests in our actions. Deep down we know this, accept this, but try to protect ourselfs from this irrefutable knowledge by throwing forth the "but, if, perhaps" arguments.  There are other finger pointing venues, but we all know them.  I profess niativity to buffer myself from responsibility. 
  There is something that talks to us.  Something that says, "Pat you know this is wrong and you will be punished for doing the wrong thing". Or " Pat this is the right thing to do.  Not only do you know this is the right thing to do, but your conscience will be clear and you will never again be tormented by having made the wrong choice.  You will in fact be blessed with the memory of having done the right thing and bask in the glory of having done the right thing".   Am I wrong?? No, I have spoken with too many who have related these feelings to me to accepted anything less.  I know that deep down there is not one of us who has not been giving the knowledge of right and wrong.  Those of us who can reason.  On the other hand, time and distance cause a healing forgetfulness, to those of us who are mortal and must face death and judgement.  If I ignore something long enough, it will go away forever.  It will not longer be a problem because I have hidden it in a deep recessed corner so longer that it is forgotton, no longer a problem causing conscience concern.  Blessed forgetfulness.
  What I feared most was happening.  I was connected to the knowledge of knowing.  I was connected to the power of knowing.  I was permitted to share the briteness of knowledge and the ability to look into the shadows of that which I wanted to remain hidden and forgotton. Can you grasp the shock of revelation?  Cold water slapped acrossed warm checks!  I was being confronted with who and what I am, the totality of myself and my actions.  I am embarrassed and sorry to confess here, on this website/book, that in spite of everything good I have every done, tried to do, shared, attempted, accomplished, absolutely everything, I was infinitely without measure shamed and humbled in the presence of this absolute power of intimate revelation and truth. This absolute infinite penetrating  revealing lite.  I failed despite my best attempts to be good and do good.  It is of little, no it is of absolutly no condolence that no one else had fortuned better than I. It is of no consequence that everyone else who ever was, also had darkness and embarassment hidden within themselfs.  I failed!  Me, Pat had not made the grade despite my best efforts.  Now I was exposed for failing to conquer the darkness of myself. Deal with it?  Sorry to say, it is not possible for anyone of us to "deal with it" under these circumstances.  It is not possible to do when you have been confronted with falling short despite your best concentrated efforts. 
   I hope that I have successfully helped you envision what this penetrating all powerful lite was showing me and how I was feeling.  This dissection of self, this totality of judgement, this onslaught of overwhelming uncontrollable emotions is something that I had never before experienced and I am finding it virtually impossible to find adequte words to properly share the waves of overpowering uncontrollable emotions which swept over me.  No, there is no experience I have ever had, or have even discovered in the records of history to compare.  Nothing at all!  
    With my revelation of these "tsunami waves of exposure" I am hoping that my readers grasp the uncomprehensible experience the exposure to this lite brings.  Nothing human can comprehend it in this lifetime. How can I describe something which does not exist in our plain of existence?
    Now you all know my shame and inability to adequately describe or explain well.  The best that I or anyone else can do is to ask for forgiveness of being, and in return grant the same.
   It is at this point I left to explain this judgement and now it is here that I return to the feeling of being lost.  Yes,  I was given the knowledge that I was lost because I had not found it within myself to conquer and be successful.   Success you ask.  Success to put all humanity above myself for all purposes and intent.  Success to conquer the little seducers that suck away at us all.  Success to never waver in intent and action to do good and to actually accomplish it without self reward or satisfaction.  The success to conquer Pride. The ability to transcend sin itself and rise above the frailty of humanity.   I could go on with this diatribe of success but we all understand this.  So here I am in utter dispair waiting for my condemnation to be announced. Waiting for the words that sentence me to a continuity of lifetimes, unfathomed deepth, limitless breath of repetition without end,  condemend to an eternity of hell, whatever that might be. WOW, How can one express the breathed of eternity? Time without a beginning or end which is the ultimate solution which we must be made a part of?  The ultimate fear of an unknowing condemnation to hell.  The realization of this now coming to pass?  Happening now to me, without further delay.  I did not want this or ask for it, but that is the position where I now found myself to be.   NUTS !  How do you feel or how can one handle this predicament?  I know that it was beyond me and I was floating in helplessness in a predicament that was beyond my controll.
   Here is the picture of the situation.  I am infront of this infinite-lite power that throbs with its infinite power, flat on my face in tears and terror without the strength or power to perform any act or movement despite my greatest attempt.  Not a pretty site or situation for anyone.  I know I am in a bad way and am totally at the mercy of this powers decision.  I am waiting for the axe to fall.  In my heart I am waiting for that miracle, I am hoping beyond hope that somehow the calvery will come to the rescue like the old Gene Autry and Roy Roger cowboy movies.  The anguish destroys me! The revelation of sins, that my darkest secret sins have destroyed me.  I had not conquered them and was a partner in their seductions for condemnation.
  Please do not let it be paintful.  Oh God forgive me!  Please please please forgive me.  I'm so sorry.  I ache with apology. Please please please please don't let this happen! 
  Please forgive me for all that I failed and sinned.  Please forgive me for falling short.
Please!   Forgive me ! 


JUDGEMENT